This is my third blog, looking back at the other two I don't have much hope for this one but I was inspired today, by a friend. He wasn't present at our Literary Society meeting but emailed an edited piece for someone else to read, and I have a feeling what was read is completely real. He doesn't seem like one to write like that without some sort of facts. The point being is that his words got me thinking of a new start. Got me wanting to write again, and I don't mean writing poetry or anything specific, just writing. I don't want to write my book here, or my dreams. This is meant to be a space filled by me, and only me, after all the box I type this into is blank and white and as I writer I feel it is my duty to fill this space, or attempt to fill it anyway. Isn't that what we do?
I've just finished watching Daydream Nation with Kat Dennings in it. She has some seriously big lips. I don't know why that's the thought that springs to mind right now but it's true. I think I can't stop thinking about it because its true, and the guy in the story said that she had really full lips. I'm more concerned with her voice though. I can't stop thinking about the voice overs she does in that movie. I don't know maybe it's all voice overs for me. All the heart felt ones anyway. There is something about the power of a voice over and the power of hearing words rather than just saying them that makes me shiver.
I sound like a nut bar sometimes I know but I kind of love sounding this way. I kind of love that very few people know how my brain really ticks. I mean if everyone understood that I get scared when someone raises their voice above a normal level they'd think I was some broken piece of a person and shut down. I hate when people look at you like your a problem they just don't want to deal with, I guess that's why I avoid telling people my problems, and focus on theirs. I don't want to think about my real problems. Who knows what things would come from doing that.
The best thing for me is to write it out. Or to write something, anything at all. I remember this one day not to long ago. Probably about two three weeks ago. I woke up late as usual, and my friend texted me. She wasn't going to be at lunch that day. So I sat down and started working on my paper that was due the next day. I'm one of those people who waits to the last minuet on everything. I can't write papers in advance. Any way started writing and since I wasn't hungry I had a few snacks like two hours after what usually qualifies as Lunch Time. I kept writing and trying to focus and trying to get the work done, but I have the attention span of a gnat when I'm writing something I don't want to talk about. I kept instead drinking my juice pouches and distracted myself with other things. A problem arose. I was buzzing. Well at least it felt like my insides were buzzing. I kept checking my hands because it felt like I should be shaking or trembling but I wasn't. My mind was racing and I couldn't keep a thought in my head for more than a second. I was imagining I was hearing things, I was bouncing my legs. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't catch my thoughts. Nothing was right. I wholeheartedly believed that in that moment I was nuts. My friend even noticed when we met up at dinner that night. I kept thinking that The Cracks in my plaster were finally visible, I kept imagining myself in a looney bin, surely I'd fallen off the rocker. However by the time I got to the meeting I had after dinner and sat down to write I was calming. I wrote out a poem. I wrote it and showed it someone else, but told her it was based on a dream I had. Truth be told it wasn't a dream I just couldn't admit to this girl, this nearly perfect stranger that I was terrified of myself that day.
Have you ever been terrified by your own imagination? I'm pretty sure that one day I'm going to turn around and find out that one of my friends isn't real. I don't think I'm anything like Steve Nash but I wouldn't put it past my mind to create someone out of thin air like he did. I of course am referring to what the movie A Beautiful Mind said happened not the real life of the person. I don't know much about Steve Nash. I don't if he really saw what the movie said, and I don't even know If I'm getting his name right. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. I don't know. To me insanity seems kind of fascinating. I don't mean "Let's go poke the insane and see what happens." I mean in the sense that I am fascinated people exist in a realm different that I do. Some people see and believe things that I never would. To have faith that something you see is real is what makes reality yours, but what it must be like to live in a reality completely different from what I know has to be interesting. Maybe I only think it's interesting because some part of me refuses to see my life as anything but boring. The other part of me wishes I had multiple personalities so I could be something else, someone else for a while.
Who knows these things. I have a million questions about it, and any time I get to ask them, I choke. I always choke when I have something I really want to know about. I mean how would you react if I burst out and asked "Do you know how that star got put in that exact spot?" or what if I asked you to describe a pebble in your shoe, or told you that my nose itches and I'm actually looking forward to the next time I trip and fall. Thoughts like those always pop into my head but I never say them. I never say them out loud be cause I am one of the unfortunate masses who cares what other people think. More Later...It's late for me to be up, or early depending upon what side of the sun your looking at. I'm on the wrong side of Thursday right now, best get some rest.
-CC
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